...if in doubt make cupcakes..

.. i forgot to say - i made lavender cupcakes for a favourite little girl's 6th birthday yesterday. She is delicate and fine-boned and winged as a bird and so they gave me pleasure to make ...

Beethoven

I know it's a very difficult time of year, dear Little. I seem to have lost all glimpse of last autumns' peace , the sense that you and me, we had arrived somewhere at last together. I am missing you desperately again, and I notice, this 4th year, no new feelings that have not been felt before, just generally more taciturn grumpiness. So it was with relish that we heard Jean- Bernard Pommier at King's Place, slamming out uncompromisingly all the power, passion, fire, love and anger of the Beethoven Sonata's. Yes, that's what I need, I thought, as he delved into the piano; You can afford to be very grumpy if you can release art like that.

So. I have been practising, very slowly and painfully (in every sense) my Hanon, and the first beautiful and sad chords of the slow movement of the Appassionata. At least, I can make the song for you.

I listened to Glenn Gould play it in the car this evening, and I thought, how alike that D flat phrase - that unfurls into tentative and faltering variation - how alike it is to the last 4 years of doing life without you and trying to make sense of it .

Challan, your secret name, and Challen, mine.

breathless

It is may the first 4 years since you departed my fiery little dancer. The weight on my chest is making me breathless. Your little brother had your special hair conditioner on his hair tonight. I rubbed it into my hands and sank beneath the water inhaling you and your tangled wet hair. How can anyone think this would ever fade? The only thing that changes is that the pain management improves. Palliative care for the soul.

As I write this I can hardly breathe. Laden with uncried tears.